Madness And Mayhem At Hogwarts
by TheOnlyMarauderette
Summary: Fred and George make a list of things they are not allowed to do at Hogwarts and are determined to break all of them. I know its been done before, but I wanted to try it. No particular time setting. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

_**I don't own Harry Potter, the list or anything mentioned in this fic. This is a slight crossover, but I hope you enjoy! This has no set time, so it might change around a bit. And Fred will never die! I know this has been done a million times, but I wanted to try it.**_

_Prologue_

Gryffindor Common Room was quiet. It was slightly unnerving. Everyone had gone to bed. Fred and George Weasley were utterly bored.

"You know, I've been thinking," George began. "The Marauders left their legacy at Hogwarts. A recording of their great deeds in a beloved map."

Fred nodded. "I see where you're going. And we should do the same."

"We should make a list, a list no one has dared to make. Full of rules that should never be broken."

"And we should break every single one of them." Fred continued his twin's sentence. "I like your way of thinking Forge."

"Why thank you Gred."

"I have a feeling we might need some help though. I'll notify our contacts in America. The Stolls."

"We should probably alert Emmett and Jasper Cullen too," Fred suggested. Both twins had identical evil grins on their faces.

"Then let the madness begin."

…...

_1) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda_

Professor Flitwick was sitting at his desk correcting essays when two figures with brown cloaks and tan tunics burst into his office.

"Master Yoda!" one exclaimed.

_Not again_, Flitwick thought.

The other figure continued, "The Separatists have kidnapped Master Fred and Master George Weasley. They will be unable to hand in their homework tomorrow!"

Flitwick sighed. "That's the third time you two have said that to me this month. My name is Filius."

...

_2) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals_

Harry, Ron and Hermione were going down to visit Hagrid. Harry knocked on the door of the hut and called out, "Hagrid, it's us!"

Hagrid opened the door.

"I've got somethin' to show you all!" he said excitedly.

They entered the hut cautiously. To their surprise and relief, there was nothing other than Fang inside.

"Look!" Hagrid pointed to his table. A pile of cards lay there. Harry picked one up. It read "Pikachu, Level 20."

"That 'un can use a thunderbolt!" Hagrid beamed. "I've decided I don't want a dragon anymore. I want a Pikachu!"

...

_3) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"_

Fred was trying to fight off some masked Death Eater. But he still had a rule to break.

"To the -_Protego_- Batmobile -_Stupefy_- Robin!" he shouted, raising his arm to point at the Dark Mark.

Harry shook his head and yelled, "Now is not a good time!"

...

_4) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental_

"But sir-"

"Mr. Weasley, any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is completely coincidental," Lupin said.

"Sir -"

"No."

...

_5) Any bet or challenge that require me to remove any part of my clothing is forbidden._

-The content of this drabble has been removed to prevent mental scarring.

...

_6) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs._

"Where's a smurf when you need one?" George sighed.

"A what?" Ron asked.

"Dobby!" Fred called. Then Dobby, painted entirely blue, Apparated straight into the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Yes Master Weasley?"

...

_7) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera._

"The Phantom of the Opera is there, inside your mind!" George sang loudly.

"Shut up!" a high pitched male voice came from behind the white mask. "The delivery of the other masks was late, so I had to borrow this one from Lucius Malfoy when he used to do theatre! It's not my fault!"

...

_8) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus" during the Christmas Holidays._

"I would like to wish you all a good Christmas," Dumbledore said, finishing his speech.

A voice shouted up from the Gryffindor table, "Get on with the food appearing Santa!"

...

_9) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library._

Madam Pince was walking along the aisles in the library. Some students seemed determined to put books back in the wrong place. The needed to be in alphabetical order after all.

Madam Pince was checking the history section when the spine of a very bright book caught her eye. Madam Pince knew every single book in the library but she didn't recognise this one. She pulled it out.

"_The Princess of the Flower - the Lost Buttercup."_

Suddenly she threw it up in the air.

"_Incendio_!" she screeched. "Burn! Burn you foul excuse of a book!"

Whoever put that _thing_ in her library was going to pay.

...

_10) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas._

Snape didn't see the point in Christmas. He had only gotten presents off one person as a child, but now she was gone, the whole thing seemed meaningless. Now no one gave him presents, which was why he was extremely surprised to find a small present at the foot of his bed.

But his eyes narrowed once he saw its distinctive shape. He ripped off the paper, mashed it into a ball and threw it into the fire, pretending that it was the sender who had dared to send him strawberry scented shampoo for Christmas.

_**For anyone who doesn't know, the Stolls are from Percy Jackson and the Olympians (if you haven't read the books you should) and the Cullens are from Twilight. The Cullens and the Stolls won't be in it much, but I need them for some. Please review!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**I don't own Harry Potter or LOTR. Thanks for the reviews GinnyWeasley77, FuzzyDeMash and kept on laughing! **_

_11) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord._

"Mr. Weasley?" an annoying first year asked. "George Weasley? Professor McGonagall wants to talk to you."

George whipped around. "Who are you talking to?"

"You?"

"I don't know who George Weasley is. I am the new Dark Lord. Tell your friends."

"Okay?"

...

_12)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice._

"Owww!" the third year Hufflepuff chaser moaned.

"Don't worry, I'll get you some Skele-Gro now," Madam Pomfrey. She handed him a flask.

He raised the flask to his lips shakily and tasted . . . Pumpkin juice?

...

_13) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro._

Snape took a sip from his goblet. He didn't taste pumpkin juice. What ever it was, it hurt. He heard a gasp of pain escape his lips. He also heard sniggers from the Gryffindor table.

...

_14) I will not ask Lupin to get me Wolverine's autograph._

"Professor?" Fred asked.

"Yes?" Lupin answered warily.

"Can you get me Wolverine's autograph?"

Lupin slowly looked at Fred. "No Fred. No I can't."

...

_15) I will not tell Lupin that Jacob Black invited him to pack night in La Push._

"Sir, Jacob Black -"

"For the last time Mr. Weasley, whoever Jacob Black is, I will not be going to any pack night."

...

_16) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly._

The Gryffindor team marched out from the changing rooms. Then a yell pierced the sir,

"MR. WEASLEY! WHAT IS THAT?"

"Well its-"

"I KNOW WHAT IT IS! BUT WHY DO YOU HAVE IT INSTEAD OF A BROOM?" Madam Hooch shrieked.

"It can fly!" George said defensively.

"_**WEASLEY**_!"

...

_17) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death._

Fred gasped.

"What is it? What do you see?" Trelawney said excitedly.

"You!" Fred said mysteriously. "You are in grave danger! You shall die!"

...

_18) I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord._

"Thank you for that Mr. Weasley," Trelawney said, pursing her lips.

George gasped. Trelawney didn't say anything to him, but he continued anyway.

"You shall kill the Dark Lord! You shall save us all!"

...

_19) Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Sauron", is not funny._

Fred and George went quietly to their tables for the Christmas Feast. When they looked at the Staff Table, they didn't seem too happy and their fingers were bare. Gred and Forge grinned.

...

_20) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists._

"Who you gonna call? Ghost -"

"Ghostbusters, eh? Well bust this!" Nearly Headless Nick said then tipped his head off his neck.

"AAAAHHHHHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

_**Please review!**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**I don't own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does. Thanks for the reviews to GinnyWeasley77 and bluemickey22.**_

_21) I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate._

"As we all know the Patronus Charm -" Lupin stopped dead. Then his face turned an unpleasant shade of maroon.

"Are you okay Sir?" George asked innocently.

"Be - right - back," he gasped, then ran out of the classroom. Seven whole minutes later there was a loud flushing noise.

…..

_22) I am not the wicked witch of the west._

"I'll get you Hermione, and you're little cat too," Fred cackled. However, it seemed that Crookshanks didn't like being threatened, as he jumped on Fred's head.

"Aaahhh! Get it off! Get it off!" he screamed.

Hermione stood watching with her arms folded. "Not until you learn that you are _not_ the Wicked Witch of the West and stop threatening people and their pets."

…..

_23) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either._

"Okay, okay!" Fred cried out in pain. "I'm not the Wicked Witch of the West."

"Good," Hermione said. "Come on Crookshanks!" The cat in question leaped off Fred's head and ran over too Hermione.

Then Fred grinned evilly. "Umbridge is."

Hermione spun around and looked at him for a second. Then she said, "There's no arguing with that."

…..

_24) I will not melt if water is poured over me._

Fred spilled some water from his goblet on his hand at breakfast. He jumped up screaming,

"I'm melting, I'm melting!" while sinking to the floor.

"Fred."

Fred turned around to see Hermione holding Crookshanks in her arms. Crookshanks hissed.

"Okay," Fred backtracked. "Not melting, not melting. I'm growing back."

Hermione's evil grin could almost match the Weasley twins'.

…..

_25) -Though Professor Umbridge might._

"What is going on down here?" Umbridge said, marching down to the Gryffindor table.

"Well," George began to explain. "My dear brother hear was helping me out in an experiment to see if witches and wizards melt. Why don't you give it a try?" he asked as he threw a whole jug of water over her.

"**A YEAR'S WORTH OF DETETIONS WEASLEY**!"

...

_26) I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose._

"Right team, the Slytherins will probably try to- "

THUMP. That was the sound that the golden Snitch made as it flew up Oliver Wood's nose. He turned to the Weasley twins, a murderous look on his face.

…..

_27) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover._

Wood took out his wand.

"_AVADA -" _

"AAAHHHHH!" the twins screamed as they dived out of the way. The whole Common Room started crying with laughter. They slowly looked up over the couch they were hiding behind to find Wood in convulsions.

"You - believed - it!" he panted.

The twins' eyes narrowed.

…..

_28) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them._

"Weasley! Weasley! What do you think you are doing?" Snape almost shouted. They turned away from his morning goblet of pumpkin juice, hiding a bottle full of potion behind their backs.

"Show me your hands," Snape spat.

Fred and George knew they were caught as they handed over the bottle. Snape smirked triumphantly.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor and detention for a month. If I ever see you two near my food again. . ."

Fred and George hurried to the Gryffindor table before he could describe the method of torture he was planning.

…..

_29) - Especially not all of them at once._

"How long do think it's going to take him to find out that that was the last potion we were putting in?" Fred asked George curiously.

George shrugged, taking at least fourteen empty potion bottles from his pocket.

Suddenly there was a huge bang. Everyone looked in Professor Snape's direction. There, instead of Snape, was a huge creature with the body of a chicken, the head of a racoon and with dozens of eyes and hands sticking out randomly from the beast's body.

"I think he's realised."

Then it squawked loudly and turned to look straight to Fred and George. But they were already out the door.

…..

_30) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'._

After Snape had been turned back to his usual self, he could still only squawk. McGonagall was taking over shouting at them while Snape quacked at them.

"Look on the bright side!" George insisted. "At least you didn't look like Spock for a while!"

McGonagall had to put a full Body-Bind on Snape to stop him from killing the two troublesome Weasleys.

_**Please review!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**I don't own Harry Potter. Thanks for reviews to GinnyWeasley77, Bluerock 7, Clara the Wolf, Nuisha and BatmansKnickers (love the name).**_

_31) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter._

"Hi Harry," Fred said, waving at Harry. Harry greeted the twins. He was becoming slightly worried. They had been pulling the craziest pranks ever and it didn't look like they had any intention of stopping.

"Who's your friend?" George asked, pointing to Harry's shoulder. Harry whipped around but he couldn't see anyone. He turned back to them suspiciously.

"Who are you talking about?" he asked.

George grinned. "The guy behside you in black, tapping an hourglass and looking impatient.

"AHH!" Fred gasped, doing a pretty good impression of Trelawney. "It's the Grim!"

...

_32)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'._

"Where are they?" Professor Snape had woken up this morning to find all his robes had been turned bright pink. He had been forced to stay in his room until he had been brought new ones. Snape was certain the Weasley twins had something to do with it, which was why Flitwick was interrogating the twins. "How did you get into Professor Snape's room?"

One of the boys waved his hand and announced, "These are not the droids you are looking for."

Flitwick crossed is arms. "Your mind tricks fool not Master Yoda. One with the Force, is he."

The twins' eyes widened in surprise. They looked at each other, then hung their heads. "Busted, we are."

...

_33) Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'._

Luna Lovegood was in the forest feeding the thestrals. As she threw a very bloody chunk of meat towards a young thestral, she heard two voices singing,

"My Little Pony,  
>Skinny and boney,<br>You'll never be in my heart."

...

_34) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms._

"Give me the hand gun Weasley."

"Okay."

"And the other one."

"Uh . . . Sure."

"And the rifle."

"Party pooper."

_..._

_35) Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either._

**George raised the axe and charged. Goyle spun his broom the other way and sped off. Fred cut across his path, stopping him in his tracks. Lee's comentary echoed in the backround,**

**"And it looks like the Weasley twins, Beaters for Gryffindor are going to decapitate Gregory Goyle of the Slytherin Team. Go on boys!"**

**Goyle screamed as the twins both advanced, axes held high . . .**

"Mr. Weasley!"

George woke with a start. An angry McGonagall was standing over him.

"Do not fall asleep in my class again Weasley. Thirty points from Gryffindor."

It was in that moment that George Weasley made up his mind to start a petition to make battle axes legal in Quidditch.

...

_36) I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins._

Fred was struggling to keep his eye open in History of Magic class. "The Goblin Rebellion of -" Fred cut Professor Binns off.

"But sir, what about Bilbo Baggins?"

Binns stared at him for a moment. "The Goblin Rebellion of 1669 started in a famous tavern called . . ."

Fred was already asleep.

_..._

_37) I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes._

Angelina could hear footsteps behind her. She had been hearing them a lot lately. "Fred," she said, turning around to face the Weasley in question. "Are you stalking me?"

Fred stayed calm. "No, but you're out of Choclate Frogs."

Angelina backed away slowly.

...

_38) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing._

"DIE! BAWAHAHAHA! DIE!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

...

_39) I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father._

"Place your bets here! How long will it take for Malfoy to admit he loves Granger? Is You-Kow-Who Harry Potter's father? Place your bets here!"

"Weasley."

George turned around to find a murderous looking Harry, Hermione and Malfoy.

...

_40) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles._

"Have fun in Potions Fred!" Angelina said.

He grinned. "Oh I will."

**O.O.O.**

"Well," Fred said proudly as he sat down. "Detention for the rest of my school life."

"What did you do now?" Angelina asked.

"Ask Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles."

**_Please review!_**


	5. Chapter 5

**_I don't own Harry Potter. Thanks to eberyone who reviewed, I feel so loved, ha ha. Sorry it's so late I've been busying sleeping. A lot of Voldy bashing in this chapter._**

_41) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin"._

"Why are you so annoying Robin?" Fred sighed. Ron looked at him sharply.

"Should I even ask?" Harry said tiredly.

"That's up to you Bats."

...

_42) I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape._

Fred and Geogre were hiding just beside the entrance of the castle. There was a big meeting and all the teacher and governors would be attending.

The doors opened and Snape strode through, robes billowing behind him.

Fred raised his wand, but George lowered it with his hand.

"Wait for it," he encouraged.

...

_43) However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it._

Another figure stalked in. Lucius Malfoy.

"Now!" George shouted. Fred waved his wand.

**DUN DUN DUN DUN DADUN DUN DADUN**

...

_44) If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume._

"How does this sound Fred?

_I am so Voldy  
>So Voldy-morty<em>

_But nobody like mee-ee!  
>And I was hit by a guy called Lee-eee!<em>

_All I did was murder a few  
>But devil horns on me they drew!<em>

_Yes,  
>I am so Voldy<br>Also a bit baldy  
><em>

_I am so Voldy-morty!"_

"Brilliant!" Fred exclaimed.

"Now to sign it!" George said happily. He dipped his quill into ink and wrote, _By_ _Diego Warty Tickleson The Fourth._

"I like it!" Fred said.

"Thanks," George smiled. Fred took the quill, dipped it in ink again and wrote, _And Fergal Doras Nosepickin Dale._

"Perfect!" George declared.

...

_45) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes._

"Lucius," Voldemort's voice whispered from behind a door.

" . . . Yes My Lord?"

"I want your honest opinion."

" Uh. . . Yes My Lord."

Voldemort stepped out from behind the door.

" . . . Are you wearing tap shoes My Lord?"

"Yes."

" . . ."

"I got the main role in "_Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical_" and I wanted to make sure my tap shoes still fit."

"Of course My Lord. You, uh, look great."

...

_46) I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either._

The three Slytherins strode down the hallway, thinking they owned the place. Suddenly the two pesky Weasley twins jumped out from behind a tapestry.

"He's Jesse!" one screamed, pointing at Crabbe.

"He's James!" the other yelled, pointing at Goyle.

"And he's Meowth!" the both shouted, indicating towards Malfoy who had no idea what they were talking about, but knew it couldn't be good.

"What?" he asked.

"Are you telling me that you don't see the resemblance between a ferret and a Meowth?"

...

_47) I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron._

"You know how you could beat You Know Who Harry?" Fred said one day at dinner. Harry frowned.

"How?"

"Infilltrate his inside circle. Get his family on your side. He won't be too eager to go against you if your teamed up with his second cousin Sauron."

"Wait," Harry said, confused. "Sauron is Voldemort's second cousin?"

"Uh huh."

...

_48) I will not yell "Hey look! It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade._

"Hey look!" George yelled. "It's Lord Voldemort!"

The whole of Hogsmeade began to panic.

"Stay calm everyone!" Fred shouted. "Just stop, drop and roll! Come on people! Stop, drop and roll!"

...

_49) I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry._

"Crucio!" Voldemort exclaimed during the Battle of Hogwarts.

"Now, now Voldy," Fred began.

"You wouldn't want a certain tape of a certain scared Dark Lord holding a teddy bear after having a nightmare about a certain Boy Who Lived to resurface, now would you?"

...

_50) I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall._

Draco stalked through the Slytherin Common Room. He marched towards his dorm. He opened the the door and -

"**HIT BABY ONE MORE TIME! MY LONELINESS, IT'S KILLIN' ME! AND I -**"

Draco slammed the door shut.

**_Please reiew!_**


	6. Chapter 6

_**I don't own Harry Potter or anything you recognise. Especially not A Very Potter Musical, which is awesome or RedVines, which are equally awesome! What did you guys think of my Voldemort song in the last chapter? I'm very proud of it. Thanks to Clara the Wolf, LUNA GURLZ and Regan-from Shakespeare for reviews!**_

_51) I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"._

"Mister Weasley?" a third year said. "Mister Weasley?"

Fred and George turned around with a sigh. "Yes?"

"Professor McGonagall said she wanted to see you both."

Fred and George looked at each other. "Who?" George asked, confused.

Now it was the third year's turn to be confused. "Professor McGonagall, Head of Gryffindor."

Fred smiled. "Oh! You mean McGoogles."

George nodded in understanding. "Ah yes, McGoogles."

They marched off, leaving the third year as confused as ever.

…...

_52) My name is not "the Dark Lord Happy-Pants" I am not allowed to sign my papers as such._

Fred sat down and prepared to do his DADA homework.

_How To Recognise A Vampire _

_Check if he sparkles or if he looks like Professor Snape._

_By The Dark Lord Happy-Pants._

"Perfect!" he said happily.

…...

_53) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit._

**Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.**

"What is that crunching noise my dears? It is disrupting my clairvoyant senses!" Trelawney huffed.

**Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.**

Trelawney found the source of the noise.

"Are you eating in my classroom young man?"

**Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.**

"Yes. It's a fortune cookie," George said, waving it in Trelawney face. "You want one?"

…...

_54) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow._

"You know what you should try?" Fred began, leaning over the Gryffindor table to some first years.

"What?" they aid, curious but cautious.

"Try to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow!"

A first year frowned. "Isn't that the tree -" George clapped his hand over the first year's mouth.

"Have fun!" Fred said as the first years departed.

…...

_55) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks._

"Repeat after me," George said. He took a sip of tea. "Who-sa are you-sa?"

"Who-sa are you-sa?" all of the house elves in the kitchen chorused.

…...

_56) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine._

"I'm bored," Fred moaned. George sat up.

"I have an idea!"

He sprinted upstairs to his dorm and came back down with a book in hand.

"Ah," Fred nodded. "Our scrapbook of all of our past Defence Against the Dark Arts professors."

George sighed contentedly. "Canaries in a coal mine, every last one of them."

…...

_57) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become._

"Ba buda bum, ba!"

"WEASLEY!"

"And Fred Weasley pots the eight ball!"

"WEASLEY!"

"Wow, that's a big one."

"WEASLEY!"

…...

_58) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be._

"Imagine it Hagrid! A dragon with a cat's tail and ears licking it's scales!"

…...

_59) RedVines are not the answer to everything in life._

"Foul blood traitors!" Voldemort screamed.

That was one thing George hated. Being called names. He pulled a pack of RedVines out of his pocket. He took aim and launched one at Voldemort's ugly, bald head.

Voldemort screamed in terror. The RedVine hit him in between the eyes and Voldemort died.

George stared at the packet of RedVine lovingly. "RedVines; what the hell can't they do?"

…...

_60) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha._

Harry was just sitting in the Common Room studying when a particularly large snake curled up beside him. Harry paused and looked at it for a second. Then he shrugged.

_S'up? _The snake hissed.

_Nothing much, you? _Harry answered.

_Same old, same old_, the snake said.

_Cool_, Harry replied airily.

_**Please review!**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**I only own the plots of the little drabbles, nothing else. I'm so sorry for taking so long! As compensation, I'm putting up two chapters. How totally awesome was the Deathly Hallows Part 2? I've been dehydrated from crying for awhile. Enjoy because Fred will always be alive! Especially in this fic and my imagination!**_

_61) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class._

Fred and George cheerily made their way to Care of Magical Creatures class.

"G'day mate!" Fred exclaimed happily.

"Crikey, your lookin' well!" George said to Hagrid.

The class groaned.

…...

_62) Dumbledore is not related to Gandalf._

Dumbledore was walking towards his office, humming. It had been a very good day. He had even got new shoes. While he was admire ring said shoes, he heard a bang in front of him.

He looked up and saw a cloaked figure with a staff in their hands.

"_You shall not pass!"_

…...

_63) Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon and Aragog. Ever._

"Hagrid, mate, I'm really sorry about Eragon," Fred said, looking sombre.

George (who was standing beside Fred) and Hagrid sent Fred odd looks.

"Who?" George and Hagrid at once.

It was Fred's turn to look confused. "The giant spider who lived in the forest that died recently?"

"No!" George looked indignant. "His name is Aragorn!"

Fred looked scandalized. "Aragorn is that bloke with the blue dragon!"

"No, that's Aragog!"

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

…...

_64) I may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones._

Voldemort sat in Malfoy Manor, stroking Nagini. Suddenly, music blared from thin air.

"_DO DO DO DOOOOO. DO DO DOOO!"_

A man with a dark brown hat swung through the window with a whip. The man froze. His eyes widened and he screamed as loud as the Dark Lord had ever heard, and he had heard quite a lot of screams.

"Dinner, Nagini."

…

65) Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is certainly not allowed.

"Hey Ron! Want to have a slug-"

"_Locomotor Mortis!_"

"Miss!"

…...

_66) Under no circumstances am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy"._

"It's just not fair!" Ron moaned.

"Yeah!" George exclaimed "How are we supposed to defend against Baldy if they won't let us into the Order's meetings?"

….

_67) I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk._

"Did you know," Fred began as he sat down beside some firsties in the Great Hall, "that underneath the school - OW! OW OW OW!" he shrieked as Professor McGonagall grabbed his ear.

…...

_68) I am prohibited from sprinkling glitter on Draco Malfoy, dying his hair, and call him Edward_.

Fred and George had gotten up at seven am that Saturday morning to wait for Draco. They made sure all of Gryffindor House was there to, promising them a memorable morning.

When Draco entered the Hall, three hours later, covered in glitter and with a beanie on his head, trying to look inconspicuous, he was greeted with a shout of,, "HEY EDWARD!" and raucous laughter.

…...

_69) I am not allowed sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid._

Hagrid just had the strangest night ever. He had been in the Hog's Head when two teenagers accompanied by the Weasley twins had approached him. They looked almost identical with curly brown hair.

They had talked for a while and after a few alcoholic beverages it seemed that Hagrid had bought something from them.

He was waiting anxiously, wondering what it had been when he heard a booming bark from outside.

…...

_70) I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present._

"Happy Birthday Remus!" the twins chorused, holding out a wrapped present. Remus looked slightly confused but also exasperated.

"It's not birthday," he answered.

"We guessed," Fred said.

"But you wouldn't tell us when it was so -" George continued.

"So," Fred started again, "we decided to celebrate it today!"

Remus accepted the present. When he opened it later, he regretted it. Immensely.

_**Please review!**_


	8. Chapter 8

_71) I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse is Professor Umbridge._

"I must say, I like it," Umbridge mused, staring at the newly painted castle.

….

_72) I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him having a temper tantrum._

Voldemort picked up the morning post and walked back to his bean bag. He shifted through the letters: bills, hate mail, a subscription magazine from his local golf club . . .

And a strange hand written letter.

_Dear Mister Voldemort/Tom Riddle/You Know How/He Who Must Not Be Named/Someone Who Has A Lot Of Names Considering The Fact That He Shouldn't Be Named._

_It has come to my attention that you have problems. At first, I suspected all the murdering and torturing was a cry for attention. But know I think you should talk to someone. There may be something going on in that ugly noggin of your's that is causing you to act like this. You really shouldn't bottle up your emotions, you are a prime example of what can happen if you do. I have enclosed the phone number of a very successful psychiatrist. I suggest that you ring him as soon as possibly, and preferably before you murder anyone else._

_Yours sincerely, A Concerned By-Stander._

_(P.S. I have also considered the fact that you have no nose. This gives two reasons for why you might be bonkers; the bones of your nose may have been pushed up into your brain or you could have been playing 'Got Your Nose' with a toddler. After all, only nut jobs will take a game of 'Got Your Nose' that far.)_

Voldemort's eyes filled up with tears. He threw himself on the ground and started beating it with his fists saying the following repeatedly;

"I am _not_ mentally unstable!", "I want a cookie!", "Lucius! Go get me someone to murder!" and "I could murder for a cookie right now!"

…...

_73) I am not allowed to introduce the Cullens to Professor Lupin._

"You call yourselves vampires?" Lupin asked sceptically. They nodded furiously.

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "And you don't like werewolves?"

They nodded, but slower this time.

"But technically, the only werewolves you've ever met in your lives have actually been shape shifters?"

Nod.

"We both might actually come out of this alive."

…...

_74) I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'._

Remus Lupin had deep purple bags under his eyes, and Fred and George Weasley used this to break Rule Number 74.

"Tired Remus?" Fred asked.

"It wouldn't happen to be your time of the month would it?" George continued. Lupin cocked an eyebrow.

"What's it to you?"

"Ah, hormones."

"Definitely."

…

_75) I shall not play match-maker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day because it will only make him cry when no one will go out with him._

Yes, when Lucius Malfoy joined the Death Eaters, he certainly didn't imagine doing this. He had thought that he would be torturing Muggles and killing Mudbloods, but comforting the Dark Lord really wasn't what he had in mind.

"Why me? What's wrong with me Lucius?"

"Uh . . . Nothing my Lord. You're, um, really cool."

"You really think so?"

"Um, yes, my Lord. As the kids these days say, uh, totally awesome."

"You don't think it's the nose do you?"

"Uh, of course not my Lord. It's really . . . Hip."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Very groovy."

If Lucius ever found the people that made Voldemort act like this, and worse, made himself look after him, they would wish they had never been born.

…...

_76) I am not allowed to be a match-maker for Shelob and Aragog either._

"YOU KNOW I HATE SPIDERS, YET YOU BRING ANOTHER GIANT ONE ALONG TO MAKE MORE MAN-EATING SPIDERS? WAS IT JUST TO ANNOY ME? WERE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT THE GIAGANTIC SPIDER POPULATION? OR ARE YOU JUST INSANE?" Ron roared after his twin brothers told him what they had done.

The twins thought about this for a moment. "All of the above I'd say," they said in unison.

…...

_77) I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul._

"FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

"Shush Fred and pass me the popcorn!"

"Stop making so much noise George? Have you always been such a noisy eater?"

"Stop talking, I'm trying to watch this!"

…..

_78) I will not scream, "HIS NAME IS EDWARD!" any time I hear the words Cedric Diggory._

It was ten o'clock o a Saturday night and Fred and George Weasley were being beaten up by their respective girlfriends.

Angelina Johnson was whacking Fred Weasley with a book and Amanda Butler was thumping George Weasley on his arms and head.

"That was not funny!" Angelina hissed.

"Come on!" Fred begged, raising his arms to protect himself.

"That was just cruel!" Amanda exclaimed.

"You have to admit, it was pretty hilarious!" George tried to reason. Both girls huffed.

"Okay," Amanda sighed, "it was, but you two were still laughing even though she started crying!"

"And you were still laughing five minutes afterward!" Angelina muttered angrily.

"Hey," Fred said. "It's not our fault that her boyfriend became a vampire and went of with someone else."

That night, Angelina and Amanda decided that they would have to do something a lot more drastic.

…...

_79) I will not ask the centaurs if they know where Chiron is because I have found a demigod._

The last time Angelina and Amanda saw Fred and George before they put their plan into action was a Tuesday night, when they entered Gryffindor Tower covered in hoof-shaped bruises.

…...

_80) I will not shout at dinner times that Darth Sideous is Voldemort's uncle, even if they do look alike._

"Don't tell me that you can't see the resemblance!" Fred exclaimed. McGonagall did not look impressed.

"No I cannot."

…

_**I made a cameo in this one as George's girlfriend *sigh*. My real first name is Amanda and that's on my profile, but it's not my real last name. Anyhoo, before I start thinking to much about being George Weasley's girlfriend, I will leave you.**_

_**Please review!**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**While I do not own anything mentioned, I would like to take credit for making up numbers 81, 82, 83, 84, 86 and 87. Thank you to **_Clara the Wolf_**, LUNA GURLZ, **_AnimationNut _**and supaninjaspacepirate (I hope I spelled that right) for reviewing! I'm going on holidays for three weeks BUT . . . There is an internet café where I am staying for the first two weeks. Anyhoo, I **__**will**__** update before Saturday, which is when I'm leaving. Here you go!**_

_81) I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's true name is Percy Jackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living._

"If we throw him in the Forest he will have to kill all those vicious, bloodthirsty monsters and, in turn, reveal himself to us and the world!" Fred whispered to his twin.

"Oh, oh!" George breathed excitedly. "We could tie him up and throw him into the Black Lake. Then he'll have to use his water powers to escape from those brutal, malicious, hungry grindylows!"

"Yes!" Fred said excitedly, if not looking slightly crazy. "They'll finally believe us!"

"What are you two talking about?" Percy Weasley called across the Common Room to his unusually quiet brothers.

Their smiles were large when they answered. "Nothing Percy."

…..

_82) I am not allowed to ask Professor Snape if he washes his hair in a deep fat fryer. Especially as he does not know what that is._

"Detention for a month Weasley!"

"But you never answered my question sir! I was being completely serious!"

"Detention for two months!"

…..

_83) No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at the Yule Ball._

"One Maca, two Maca, three Macarena! Four Maca, five Maca, six Macarena!"

….

_84) Professor Lupin is not the magical equivlant of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such._

"Seriously," Amanda began as the twins dragged themselves into the Common Room, exhausted from cleaning Professor Lupin's grindylow tank. "What were you thinking?"

…...

_85) Even if I'm bored, I am not allowed to ask Snape what is the mysterious ticking noise._

The ticking had been going on for a while now. It was annoying and Snape wished to give a hundred detentions to whoever was making the noise.

"Excuse me sir," a Weasley twin bean. "But what's that mysterious ticking noise?"

Snape thought for a brief moment that he may have finally snapped.

…...

_86) I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick of black-haired, green-eyed heroes._

"They are so going to pay."

…...

_87) Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred and George's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high, then call them John and Edward in the morning._

Finally, at many people's wishes, Amanda and Angelina crept into Fred and George's dorm. Their only thought as they proceeded to dye the twins' hair and use excessive amounts of hairspray was how this deed was going to go down in history.

…...

_88) It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas._

McGonagall almost smiled as she read the note attached to the darn scratching post.

_Dear Professor gift to you for our last Christmas at Hogwarts._

_Gred and Forge._

McGonagall assured herself that, had their father not been recently admitted to St. Mungo's, she would have given them enough detentions to last until they were fifty.

Though secretly she knew that it wasn't true.

…...

_89) Bringing a magic eight ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawney annoyed at your, "Lack of Inner Eye."_

"Will I win a new broom?"

**Ask again later.**

"I hate it when that comes up!"

…...

_90) I am not allowed write to a TV show producer and offer to help out in a documentary about how identical ginger twins are often more handsome and dashing than regular people._

The funny thing is, the producer would have agreed if they had been over eighteen.

_**Please review!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**I don't own anything written here. How do I start … Sorry. Updates will no longer be regular and I'm sorry for the abandonment I have subjected you to. Hope this is as good as previous chapters. Reviews will make me happy.**_

_91) I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'._

Harry was still carrying his Firebolt and the Golden Egg when he was bombarded.

"Harry! Why didn't you tell us?" George huffed.

"I can't believe you kept it a secret!" Fred exclaimed.

Harry's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "What are you two talking about?"

"We're just saying, you're a bit old to become a Padawan, aren't you?"

….

_92) Nor am I allowed to have lightsaber fights with my wand and make whoosing noises._

"Bbbrrrrrmmm." "Swish." "Nnrrrrrrra." "Zzzzzzzzuuummm."

"What is going on here?" McGonagall asked, not sure if she wanted to know the answer.

…...

_93) "Because they both need to wash their hair," is not proof Professor Snape and Aragorn are related._

"All I'm saying is that it's slightly suspicious."

"After all, they both have greasy hair, they have to be related."

"Oh goodness," Angelina said exasperatedly.

…...

_94) Singing 'Hungry Like The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extra credit._

"AND I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!"

"What do you think you are doing?" Lupin said quietly - a bad sign.

"STRUT ON A LINE IT'S DISCORD AND RYHME!"

"Seriously, don't make me give you both detention."

"I'M ON THE HUNT AFTER YOU!"

Lupin stared straight down the finger that was pointed at him.

"Don't say I didn't warn you."

"MY MOUTH IS ALIVE WITH JUICES LIKE WINE AND I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!"

…...

_95) I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I know where you live" or "I stole all your underwear!" _

"What is the meaning of this?" Professor McGonagall hissed, alternating her glares from the twins to the graffiti on the Common Room wall.

"It means, 'I know where you live' and, 'I stole all your underwear."

"So basically, just what it says on the tin."

…..

_96) I am not allowed to replace the Bludgers with peas, tomatoes, plums or anything that is not a Bludger._

"This is going to be one fun game of Quidditch."

*insert evil laugh here*

…...

_97) Portable swamps are not funny._

"This is ridiculous!" Professor Slughorn bellowed.

"BAHAHAHAHA!"

….

_98) And I will not set off the above in Snape's sleeping quarters._

"What the devil is going on in here? How did this swamp get into my quarters?"

"BAHAHAHA!"

…...

_99) Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms._

"My father will hear about this."

"BAHAHAHAHA!"

…...

_100) In fact, I am not allowed to even make portable swamps anymore._

"BAHAHAHAHA- CH! KK! CHOKING - HERE! SOME - ONE -HELP!"

"CAN'T - BREATHE! KUU!"

"I hope you two have learned your lesson," McGonagall said.

"No more portable swamps," the twins, respiration systems now fully functional, murmured.

_**Review please!**_


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